Bigmincey
21-01-08, 08:56 PM
To use this, and delete/insert as required !;)
Dear Valued Employee,
As a result of the reduction in departmental budgets, we are being forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under a new strategic plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel, via retirement, by the end of the current fiscal year will come into effect immediately.
This programme will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company and can request a review of their employment records before actual
retirement takes place.
This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers) and all employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal process is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination) and under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) but as HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive: indeed, we have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area but if any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor, who is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
With our sincere thanks for all your years of service with us.
The Board.
Alan................
Dear Valued Employee,
As a result of the reduction in departmental budgets, we are being forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under a new strategic plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel, via retirement, by the end of the current fiscal year will come into effect immediately.
This programme will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company and can request a review of their employment records before actual
retirement takes place.
This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers) and all employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal process is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination) and under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) but as HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive: indeed, we have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area but if any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor, who is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
With our sincere thanks for all your years of service with us.
The Board.
Alan................